I Thought I Had Grown Mean… Turns Out, It Was Menopause

Nobody told me menopause could change my attitude. Actually, no one told me much about menopause at all. Hot flashes? I had heard about those. Night sweats? Sure. Your period eventually disappearing? Obviously.  But waking up one day with absolutely no tolerance for foolishness? Nobody warned me about that part.

For a while, I genuinely thought I had just grown mean.  I would catch myself getting irritated over things that normally wouldn’t bother me. My patience was shorter. Things I used to overlook suddenly got on my LAST nerve. People I once had the energy to entertain could barely get through the first three words of a conversation before something inside me was saying, Please don’t.

What is Happening to Me?

And I couldn’t understand what was happening.  I remember thinking, “Lord, am I becoming one of those mean older women?” Because this isn’t me.

I’ve always been a person who gives people grace, sometimes way too much grace. I can usually find the good in somebody, understand their perspective, make excuses for their behavior, pray about it, sleep on it, and come back ready to try again.

Then suddenly my spirit was like: Nope. No long explanation, second meeting, or 17-paragraph text message. Just…no. I am not mean. And because nobody had really talked to me about the emotional side of perimenopause and menopause, I didn’t connect the dots.

My Truth About Menopause

Let’s just go ahead and tell the truth. For years, menopause lived in the same mental category as reading glasses and sensible shoes. Well, maybe not reading glasses because turning 50 changed that. But I knew it was coming eventually. I just wasn’t sitting around waiting for it.

And I certainly didn’t realize that the transition toward menopause or perimenopause would be more rapid and advanced because I had a hysterectomy. So when my mood started changing, menopause wasn’t the first thing that came to mind.

I thought maybe I was tired. Maybe stressed. I had been through so much that my tolerance level had finally packed its bags and moved out.

And to be fair, life will absolutely change you. Motherhood changes you. Relationships change you. Heartbreak changes you. Leadership changes you. Being responsible for everybody and everything will change you. So I assumed this new version of me was simply the result of everything I had experienced. Baby, I thought I had grown mean.

I Started Praying and Paying Attention

Eventually, I realized this wasn’t just about having a bad attitude. My body was changing. I felt emotionally different. My sleep wasn’t always the same. My patience definitely wasn’t the same. And there were moments when I didn’t quite feel like myself.

That’s when I started learning more about perimenopause and menopause and realized hormonal changes can affect mood, sleep, concentration, anxiety, irritability, energy, and yes, even how we respond to the people around us.

And suddenly I thought: WAIT A MINUTE. You mean there might actually be a reason I want everybody to stop talking?! That realization didn’t give me permission to treat people badly. Hormones aren’t a hall pass to be hurtful. But it did give me something I desperately needed: context.

Instead of immediately judging myself, I could start becoming curious about myself. What am I feeling? Why am I reacting this strongly? Am I overwhelmed? Did I sleep? Do I need rest? Should I talk to my doctor? Do I need a boundary? Or is this person actually getting on my nerves? Because, and this is important, sometimes it really is the person.

Menopause doesn’t make every irritation imaginary.

Maybe I Didn’t Get Mean, I Got Clear

Here’s the other thing I’m discovering. Some of what I initially labeled as “mean” wasn’t me being mean at all. Some of it was me becoming less willing to abandon myself to make everyone else comfortable. And I did that a lot.

There is a difference between being unkind and having boundaries. There’s a difference between having an attitude and finally saying, “I don’t want to do that.” There is a difference between being difficult and deciding you no longer have the emotional capacity for relationships, responsibilities, conversations, and expectations that constantly drain you.

Maybe menopause didn’t just change my hormones. Maybe this season is also forcing me to pay attention to myself. For so many years, women have been conditioned to nurture everybody else. We take care of children. Partners. Parents. Employees. Friends. Everybody gets a piece of us.

Then we reach this season of life, and something inside of us starts asking: “Okay…but what about me?” And apparently, my “what about me?” has a little attitude. I can’t blame her, but I am working on her.

I’m Learning to Give Myself Grace

The biggest lesson for me has been learning not to immediately criticize a version of myself I don’t recognize. I’m paying attention instead. I am intentionally learning about my body. I’m giving myself permission to rest.

Grace means paying attention to changes in my mood instead of pretending they’re not happening. Yielding when I need to apologize and standing firm when I need to. And I’m reminding myself that I and women deserve better information about this stage of life.

We shouldn’t have to stumble into perimenopause, wondering why we suddenly feel different. Instead, we should be talking about the physical and emotional symptoms. Things like relationships, confidence, sleep, sex, work, parenting, mental load, identity, changing bodies, and yes, the days when everybody gets on our nerves. Most importantly, we should feel comfortable talking with our healthcare providers when changes in our mood, sleep, periods, or overall well-being begin to affect our daily lives.

So, No, I Didn’t Just Grow Mean

At least that’s the story I’m going with. I’m changing. My body is changing. My hormones are changing. And apparently, my tolerance for unnecessary foolishness is undergoing some changes, too. But I’m learning not to fear this version of myself.

~I’m learning her.

~Giving her grace.

~Helping her figure out what she needs. Which I have decided is a hormone pellet.

~And every now and then, I remind her: “Ma’am…we still have to be nice.”

Because menopause may explain the attitude. But Jesus is still working on the delivery. And if you’re somewhere in this season, wondering, What in the world has happened to me?, maybe you didn’t suddenly become mean either.

Maybe your body is trying to tell you something. And maybe it’s time we started listening. Please comment if you are someone you know is dealing with menopause and share this with your circle.

Parenthood. Healing. Purpose. And all the messy parts in between.